Have you heard the famous Ram Dass quote?
“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.”
There’s nothing like family interactions to trigger our oldest, deepest defense mechanisms and toxic bonds. This summer, I got to see the results of inner work I took on to clear my limiting conditioned family patterns.
My mother was turning 96 at the end of July. At the beginning of the month, she had a bad fall, banged up her face and broke her right arm for the 3rd time in as many years. Things went downhill from there, with repeated falls and worsening dementia.
Ultimately, she had to be moved into a new facility with higher levels of care and a memory care floor. There was quite a lot of contact with my family during this crisis. Every time another incident happened, there was a flurry of calls between me and my two brothers about what had happened and what to do about it.
The situation was a set-up for reactivity and triggering of family dynamics. But I didn’t ever feel triggered or reactive. I felt sorrow and compassion. I felt love. Just no reactivity. What really surprised me, and truly the proof of how much I’d healed, cleared and transformed, was that neither of my brothers got triggered or reactive around me. Not even the brother who lives close by and who was on site, dealing directly with the situation. Yes, there were one or two moments, but they resolved in less than a minute. This is totally unprecedented behavior in the history of my family.
The situation went on escalating with various complications, yet the lack of reactivity, projection or arguments continued (previously unheard of in my family’s dynamic). I began to realize the space I was holding with my family was what had changed. The brother on site, who suffers from his own mental health challenges, would start off a call in a state of high stress, drama and reactivity, but somehow the way I showed up and the quality of presence I brought to the interaction seemed to neutralize all that charged energy within a few minutes. It was never directed at me.
At the end of this, with my mother installed in a new and better situation, my other brother and I did a debrief. When we hung up, I suddenly realized, in a flash of profound inner knowing, something astounding had happened. I had shifted into a new timeline, one with a different family history. The new timeline doesn’t have a dramatically different history, but one in which the abuse and trauma were significantly less, maybe half of what my “former self” had experienced. Still there as memories, but way less severe or frequent, much minimized.
At first, I felt so proud of my achievement. I’d freed myself and even altered my past. Here was the proof – in the worst of circumstances the old family dynamic did not activate. Then I had to catch myself. A part inside rose up in resistance. She held up a rather large trunk, the evidence locker where proof of all the ways I’d been done wrong was catalogued and stored. “You can’t just let them off the hook like this!” she protested. “Yes we can,” I told this self and reassured her we didn’t need the evidence, it no longer serves, and it was time to let go of all the old grievances because we were free now. I brought loving acknowledgement to that shadow part with her addictive attachment to the old story line and choose the new timeline. I chose to know my creative power, lovability, worth and value. I chose my authentic nature and the truth of my Being instead of the old identity.
The crucible of family is where we first form our personal identities.
Our first sense of self developed within the mind and heart of a small dependent child. The vows, conclusions, decisions and beliefs of those small children can run beneath our conscious minds, impacting and limiting our lives. Out of the need to survive as helpless dependent children, out of the need to belong, to be connected, to feel loved, out of the need to avoid rejection and abandonment, we adopt our family’s patterns. We inherit if you will, the psychological constructs of our lineage. We take it all personally. We perceive the energy and actions of the people around us through a child’s awareness and understanding, and this determines our sense of value, worth and lovability.
Clearing family conditioning and lineage patterns is a theme running through my private consulting and soul blueprint work these past few months. Sometimes we get access to the root layer right away or it can take a few rounds of clearing. Sometimes we have to clear trauma imprints from the cells, tissues and nervous system, laying in new neural pathways and erasing the grooves of the old ones. For some clients, the legacy of toxic conditioning, trauma and abuse goes way back, and they have to refuse to carry any responsibility or obligation to live this out. They have to claim their rights to their own lives and their own times. Toxic emotional or energetic contracts and agreements are declared null and void when based on the false premises of responsibility for these family patterns or legacies. The process all depends on the person and the guidance of their inner Being.
When we clear the conditioned patterns and toxic legacies, only the love remains.
Every time I take a client through this process, we see its effectiveness proved out in changed family dynamics. Family members relate to them differently and they feel more empowered and grounded around their family. My clients feel more free and authentically themselves. New opportunities for growth and expression, new work opportunities show up. It’s really quite magical!
Your life is your own. This is your time and your life.
It’s always your choice in the here and now to claim your existential rights to sovereignty over your own life.
If you want to learn more about this work or feel called to explore it for yourself, just reach out and let’s connect.